This post is not about yoga. But I needed some space to write and share and this is the one I have. If you read to the end and watch the video, thank you for seeing me.
I started half marathon training today and for the first time in a long time I was scared to run.
I have taken a large break from running. I would say it’s been two years since I have run regularly. In 2013 I ran my first half marathon. I ran my second in 2014. I walked a half in 2016. I am registered to run my fourth total, third running, this April.
Today’s training plan called for 30 minutes. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to run for 30 minutes straight and my thoughts immediately started to set myself up for failure. Why should I even bother if I can’t even run 30 minutes…and many more mean spirited comments. But I got on that damn treadmill anyway, fired up Zombie’s Run, and I started remembering what this is all about. All of this is familiar. The sweat. My legs talking a bit. My breathing. It’s true. I am not in half marathon shape but I wasn’t when I ran my first half either. I’m just back in that beginners place again and that’s ok.
I started thinking about how and why I was so successful with my first half marathon. I had a great training program (which I am using to train for this half) and I had a group of great people around me. To this day it’s funny to me that I coached a group to run a half marathon when I hadn’t even run one myself. I had confidence in them and in turn they had confidence in me. By the way, we all rocked that half marathon.
I don’t really like myself. Well…that’s not entirely true. There are things I do love about myself but overall I have a pretty ruthless internal dialog. I am going to be fighting my inner critic a lot of the next few months. I just need to develop tools to shut her up. And I found one.
During my run “Don’t Stop Believin” by the Glee Cast came on. I fucking LOVE Glee. Don’t Stop Believin’ is the first and last song the Glee Club performs together on the series. I can’t even tell you how many buckets of tears I cried watching Glee. Cory Monteith’s portrayal of Finn Hudson and the failures and successes these kids experience on this show embody this song; and I started to tear up. (Yes on the treadmill. It’s sort of my thing.) So there I am with Rachel, Finn, Kurt and the gang and then I begin to see all the great running memories I’ve had with Rick, Shannon, Leslie, Rachel, Kerry, Jenna, and Lona. I remember what it felt like to cross that finish line and I thought to myself I can do this.
This is going to be my training song. My song that fights the inner critic. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.